i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
