I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
