I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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