swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
