I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
