And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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