Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
