I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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