My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
