Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
