Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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