What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
