I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
