Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
