Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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