Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
