Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
