mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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