I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
