4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
