sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
