My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
