omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
