I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
