4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
