What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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