I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
