the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Randomize
