You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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