Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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