if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
