I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
