my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I will be naked everywhere
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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