Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
