Will you blow on my dice?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
