I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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