i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
