The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The adults are the big ones right?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
