He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
