Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
