then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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