He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
