You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
