My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
