sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
