You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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