Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
