so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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