OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
