hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
operation have a gay friend backfired
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
